So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize