What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
