I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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