i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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