My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize