My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
