Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
