They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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