I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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