I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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