hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
