She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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