I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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