Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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