If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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