all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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