considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
