the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
