I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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