Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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