When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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