More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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