dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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