Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize