this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
