A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
