my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
