just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize