Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
