I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
