I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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