Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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