for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize