My liver just broke up with me...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
