Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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