I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
