time to smoke my breakfast
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
