i permit you to call me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
