Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
