i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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