when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
