Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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