Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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