if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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