also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
