God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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