I looked at my own cervix.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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