If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the day after is always just damage control
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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