I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I know her cup size but not her name....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
