im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
