dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
