I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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