weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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