Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
