We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
