an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
