last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
