My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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