my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
