1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He shit in the fireplace
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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